Open letter to spammers–nobody likes you

Sunday, April 23rd, 2006

To whom it may concern,

Nobody likes you. You’re a blight on the Internet and calling you a nuisance would be to elevate you from the depths in which you live. Neither you nor your wares are wanted so stop trying to peddle them by sending me unsolicited emails or posting garbage comments on blogs. I don’t want Viagra, I don’t want to play poker, I don’t want my penis enlarged, I don’t want anything you have to sell and even if I did, I wouldn’t buy it from someone so disreputable as you. You think I’m going to give someone who annoys me my business?

I will do you a service though by letting you know that you’re a lowlife. Maybe you don’t know it. Maybe you think what you’re doing is “just business”. Well, the truth is, you’re scum. You’re not liked, and when people think of you, they rank you among such things as hemorrhoids and being crapped on by seagulls. Well, that’s not right because though being crapped on by seagulls is bad, it doesn’t happen every single freaking day.

So here’s my advice to you: stop, get a real job, get a life, get a conscience, get a clue, something, just stop annoying the rest of us with your digital excrement. Otherwise, I hope you end up in jail for a really, really, really long time.

Advice for the 2% of people who actually buy from spammers: are you out of your minds?! You do realize that you’re giving out your personal information to someone who would just as soon mug you in an alley or sell your information for profit. Worst of all, you’re encouraging the creation and propagation of even more spam! So stop it!

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3 Comments

Ian Muir says:
April 24th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
This is actually one thing that I think Microsoft had a good idea for. Create e-mail servers that pause for .5 seconds between each e-mail sent from an account. This .5 second delay wouldn’t affect most people, even my company’s newsletter would only take about 3 hours to process. But for a spammer who sends out 2.5 million e-mails this would be crippling.
If it takes a week to send out spam, then the 2% conversion rate is no longer profitable.
Ara says:
April 24th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
Ian: Hey cool, I didn’t know that MS had that. The motivation for this post was actually because I’ve been getting hit with a bunch of comment spam lately. I decided to give Akismet a try and I’ve got to say it works like a charm!
Akismet how I love thee | ara pehlivanian—Web Standards, Web Culture, Web Everything.™ says:
May 9th, 2006 at 9:34 am
[...] Back in December of ‘05 Molly wrote Best. Spam. Ever. at which time I was lucky enough not to have the problem of comment spam. Fast forward to about a month ago and suddenly my post and suddenly my post Proper URI design started to gain the attention not of fellow web-heads, but of spammer-freaks. Who knows, it could have been my immensely popular post on Coming soon to a theatre near you–I confess, I dugg my own post–that opened me up to the non-web-head crowd. Either way, the comment spam began to flow. [...]